A few months before my oldest son passed away I was in a season of great joy. The atmosphere around our home was great, my wife and I were coming nearing 20 years of marriage and 10 years of that doing ministry. Our relationship was great, we were enjoying each other’s company and at times would go on little dates where we might just get some fast food and sit in a parking lot and eat and talk. Our daughter Sam was heading off to college and my other youngest children were excelling as well. I had changed my diet and was running each morning and felt physically good. I would come in after an early morning run and be so full of energy and would make breakfast, kiss my sweetheart, and get ready for a day of study and then off to open-air preach at one of my locations. It was such a great season.
Then, there was a knock at the door.
My daughter was home for her Christmas break from college, we had all been in the living room and our house was full of conversations and laughter. My daughter mentioned that there were police in our yard. I opened the door and an officer said he was looking for David Day. My son and I shared the same name so I immediately assumed he was looking for my son. He was not though, the police had come for me.
“Your son was found unresponsive. ”
He told me that my son was found unresponsive. Honestly, I did not expect to hear the worst. My son was tough and had had moments in his life where he always came through. However, I asked the officer if he had passed away and he told me he had.
Whether it was shock or something else, it did not hit me at that moment. As the dad, as the man of the house I knew had to hold it together. The officer gave me a moment and I told my wife, then our children. My joy was gone though.
That night I traveled to where my son was found. I was concerned and was worried if someone had hurt him, did he look okay. The police would not let me see him but said he looked like he had just laid down and gone to sleep. An hour or so passed and they rolled his body passed me and it just felt unreal. The heart I heard while in the womb of his mom, the heart that beat fast as I ‘let’ it appear he was winning in our wrestling matches, the heart of my youth had stopped.
We would find out he had died of an accidental overdose. That he probably did not hurt, but just as they said, looked like he went to sleep. The little boy who was my little buddy, who played way too much like his dad, who could make anyone laugh, who loved being a dad, who once told me he wanted to be like me was gone. Again with it, my joy.
I miss my son. I miss hearing his voice, I miss wrestling with him, I miss the soup he would make out of whatever he would find in our fridge. I miss the nights of him coming over for dinner or asking me for a ride to work. I miss those moments just driving with him and talking. I miss our adventures, staying up late when he was small just to watch the cartoon Gargoyles. I miss him drinking out of the jug, I miss him needing me, him wanting me. I miss hearing, “I love you Dad.”
I miss that joyful season so much. I miss the laughter at home, I miss the energy I had, I miss wanting to make breakfast for my family and kissing my sweet wife each morning as if I had not seen her in months.
Recently I have tried to get back into the routine that I was on before the passing of my son. Thinking that if I do those things, I might have that joy again. During a recent run around my neighborhood, I found myself on the side of the road crying, I realized that doing those things was not bringing me back to the place I was in before my son passed. Simply doing a routine was not giving me joy. I wanted so bad to forget and for everything just to be as it had been.
Then the Lord spoke.
I realized then that the Lord had brought me into a season of great joy to prepare my heart for the season of great suffering for me and my family. He was pointing me to Himself. He was directing my steps. He knew what was coming.
Yes, yes, I had asked the question over and over as to why? Who would not ask, right? The Lord has the power to save whomever He wills and I have seen Him save many, why not my boy? I have dealt with that. I have prayed and wept for the Lord to save people. If anyone that I desire to see saved, it is my family.
As a good brother told me who also lost his daughters shortly after their birth, “God’s ways are not our ways.” While much is a mystery, I trust the Lord.
My Lord who is my friend reminded me during my run that the joy that I had, that I now so much want to feel again is not found in my routine, but in Him, that it is He who gives joy.
I read once that happiness is circumstances, but joy, true joy is in the Lord, and no one, no death, no sorrow, nothing can steal that.
I have always found comfort in knowing that the Lord knows me, that His eye is on me. As with the Psalmist in Psalm 139, the Lord knows me before a word is on my tongue, before I rise or sit down, the Lord knows me. How does He have this knowledge of me? Well, He is the one who knitted me in the womb of my mom. He is the one who knew me bore I was born as He told Jeremiah the prophet.
The Lord knows me, he knows all my sorrow, all of my grief. He knows my wants and needs. He knows my sins, He knows me. In Him, truly is the fullness of joy and the pleasures forever more.
I am writing this not as a counselor to maybe someone suffering as I am, but I hope it does comfort you. The season will pass, and it may take time, but the Lord is kind, trust him, and grieve appropriately. Weep and look to Christ. Find that joy truly in the Lord.
I guess the main reason for writing this is for me. It is my way to grieve, talking about it. A way to remind me and help me not forget my son and to keep my eyes on Christ. To maybe help want to wake up early and make breakfast for my family, to look at my babies and really hold them before they walk out the door. To caress my wife and kiss her as if it has been months since the last kiss. To help me look to the Lord, longing for that joy I know only He provides.
As a dad, I will never forget or get over losing my boy. What I will not forget also is that in this season, the Lord was faithful, He has been near me, that He is kind.
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11
Son, I love and miss you buddy. Dad.
So that all may know Him 